On My Own
by Sevi Snape
Summary: Ron is haveing thoughts about the only one ever loved. He is on his own and alone and he doesn't like it. please read and review, because i really like writing this.


Disclaimer: usual disclaimer applies.  
  
On My Own.  
  
  
I sit in the confines of my room and look out of my window. I remember when I used to love it here in my house. It not the burrow, I left that years ago. I left there the same time I left Hogwarts. When I first moved in it was exciting! I shared the house with Harry and Hermione. Three friends all together. We used to share the house and we'd share out secrets and then they left. They left and got married and moved on and left me here all on my own. Harry married some muggle that he fell in love with and Hermione married Professor Snape. I was left with no one. I couldn't have the happily ever after they had. Because I fell in love with the wrong person. I fell in love with Hermione.  
  
I walk into the empty kitchen and turn on the radio.   
"And now on the muggle hour we are going to play a song from that very famous play Les Miserablé,"  
I heard the radio announce.   
Ironic really that the most beautiful and depressing play should be playing, just as I think about the most beautiful and depressing thought.  
"But today a request was made could we change the song for a man who has lost his love and so now here you go, 'on my own' from a male point of view."  
Very ironic, I think.  
  
And now I'm all alone again  
Nowhere to turn, no one to go to  
Without a home, without a friend,  
Without a face to say hello to.  
And now the night is near  
Now I can make believe she's here.  
  
The words hit me like water. It's all true, all so very painfully true. I have no where to hide from here. I can't hide in the muggle world, as she is muggle born, yet she is well known in the wizard world. Now that she has left my home is nothing more than a residence, not home. It no longer holds the warmth and comfort of home, not now both my friends have left. It's empty, all empty, all on my own. But I know when I fall asleep or close my eyes I will se her face and I can dream about her. Believe she is beside me and lovingly holding me and talking to me.   
I switch the radio off and grab my coat. I head for the door and as I open it the cool summer night's breeze caresses my face. Soft and so welcoming.  
  
Sometimes I walk alone at night  
When everybody else is sleeping  
I think of her and then I'm happy  
With the company I'm keeping  
The city goes to bed  
And I can live inside my head.   
  
I wander down the London street. All silent at this ungodly hour. The lamp flickers as I walk past and I can hear the sound of a can rolling down the street in the breeze. I keep walking until I reach the park. I stand in the middle of the street and remember when Hermione and I used to walk here at night when we couldn't sleep. We would curl up on the bench and watch as the blossom fell from the cherry blossom trees. Even then she never loved me as more than a friend, a comforter. I sit down on the bench and smile as I remember picnicking here and playing catch. But it's only in my memory.  
  
On my own  
Pretending she's beside me  
All alone, I walk with her till morning  
Without her  
I feel her arms around me  
And when I lose my way I close my eyes  
And she has found me   
  
Sighing I get up and wander back off down the street. Imagining the times I walked together here. Imagining it was just another one of these times I smile and trudge on. I stop as I see a café with all the lights switched off. I know what it is though. It's the café trio. We used to spend so many days there all three of us. I remember when we took pictures of us all together. I still have them somewhere. My favourite is the one when Hermione hugged me and kissed me on the cheek. The look on my face was so stunned, it looked so funny. I shrug further into my jacket as I remember the warmth of that embrace. I remember it so vividly that it seems almost real again. I close my eyes and feel the pretence is more real when I can't see the darkness out side. All I can see is her smile and smell her soft flowery smell.   
I feel a drip on my nose. I open my eyes and see that it has begun to rain. Soon it is pouring down and I am soaked. It doesn't feel cold though. It's the type of summer storm I love. I walk on until I reach the river and I lean on the railings and look over the water.   
  
  
In the rain the pavement shines like silver  
All the lights are misty in the river  
In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight  
And all I see is her and me forever and forever   
  
I see the rain plopping on the surface of the river and I look up to the sky. I see all the raindrops falling like tears. I can see the light shining off the pavement and making it look as if it glows. The reflections of the lights on the river are fuzzy and distorted by the still falling rain. Sighing I take one last look at the river before I carry on walking.   
I dig my hands into my pockets and I push on. The trees along the riverside are dripping and each drop catches the light and makes them shine like diamonds. I remember the fateful night when I gave Hermione a diamond ring. I had spent weeks screwing up the courage to ask her to marry me. I decided to ask her on her birthday. I searched all over for a ring that stood out. A ring that looked different from all the rest, one that was unique. So like Hermione. I finally found it and I had planned to propose to her that night. I had made dinner reservations and I had bought her two dozen red roses.   
I gave her the roses and she loved them and then took her out and we had dinner. Everything was going fine until she said, "oh Ron I need to tell you something. I wanted to tell you. I know it's my birthday and thank you for celebrating by taking me out to dinner. But we should be celebrating something else." I held my breath willing her not to continue with the words that I knew were sure to follow. "Ron I am engaged! To Severus." I had just looked blankly at her and gripped the ring-box that was in my pocket.  
Why hadn't I said something?   
  
  
And I know it's only in my mind  
That I'm talking to myself and not to her  
And although I know that she is blind  
still I say, there's a way for us  
  
I love her. 'Hermione I love you!'  
This last thought seemed to be louder than the others are and I realise that I have said it aloud and that I was opening my heart to the world. Not a safe thing to do. I begin to think more and more.  
'Hermione why? Why are you not here? I love you, can't you see?' all these things spill out of my heart and into my mouth and then they disappear on the wind. 'Could you ever love me? In the way I need you to? I'm sorry! I'm sorry I loved you, I'm sorry I feel like this and most of all I am sorry you have gone.'   
I look around, no one. Not a single person. But that wouldn't bother me. Even in a crowd I feel alone without you. But even thought I tell you this you never hear, because I can't say it to you. It's all in my mind, all the imaginary times I have heard you tell me you love me. In my mind I see the way it could be if you came back. The fairy tale ending and the happily ever after, but its only me that can see this. Your blind to my feelings, you are so happy with Snape.  
  
I love her  
But when the night is over  
She is gone, the river's just a river  
Without her the world around me changes  
The trees are bare and everywhere  
The streets are full of strangers  
  
Oh god, how long have I been out? I am walking down the road to my house. At the end I can see that light is dawning on the misty London morning. The rain has stopped and everywhere looks different. I ca see the dew in the grass. Drops still hang on the bare trees but now they look less magical and less pretty. Just like everything did when you left. My life seemed to go from colour to grey over night. You changed everything.   
I reach my door and pull out the key. Slowly I slide it into the lock and open the door. I remember when you lived here and you would run to the front door when Harry or me came in and greet us with a hello or a smile or even just your presence. I push the door further open and look into the empty hall and sigh. I half expect you to come running round the corner and greet me. You don't of course. You're probably tucked up in bed comfortable with Snape.   
I walk into the kitchen and reach out to turn the radio back on. They are playing 'on my own' again, well the end of it.  
  
  
I love her  
But everyday I'm learning  
All my life I've only been pretending  
Without me her world will go on turning  
A world that's full of happiness  
That I have never known  
  
  
I know I should just forget and get on with my life. I live a half-life, a life that is half in the real world and half in my head. In my head I can pretend she loves me and she will be there when I get home. I know it isn't true and that when I get home my house will be just as empty as when I left that morning. But she has a better life. One where she comes home to the person she loves most in the world. She sees his face everyday, she is able to touch him, kiss him, smell him. She is happy. She knows the happiness of love and how whole it makes you and your life. Something I fear I shall never know.   
I listen quietly as the last few words of the song are sung. I feel tears fall down my face and I do nothing to stop them.   
  
I love her  
I love her  
I love her  
But only on my own. 


End file.
